We’ve all been there. One minute you and your partner are happily chatting about something. The next moment one of you says something that triggers or upsets the other. Both men and women can be sensitive. Everyone take note here – men can be sensitive too! A few cross words ensue and both of you can chose to go down the full argument route or you can both healthily ask for a ‘time out’ and give each other space to calm down.
No relationship is perfect and that’s what makes relationships so amazing. Having a perfect relationship with your partner, were you never fight would be boring and frankly downright weird. Conflict is a natural part of being in a couple. All couples fight. Its totally normal and when you fight occasionally its healthy for your relationship. When a couple fights it means they care about their relationship, they care about each other’s opinions, and they are not afraid to challenge each other.
Why a ‘time out’ rule can be healthy for your relationship:
Space doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In counselling, respecting your partner and taking a ‘time out’ during an argument, can have a multitude of benefits. ‘Time out’ should be when you put a fight on hold and come back and discuss it rationally within an allotted timeframe. It is not ignoring or stonewalling your partner. It should only take half an hour or an hour to calm down and refocus both your thoughts.
Taking a time out can help for a number of reasons:
- Taking a ‘time out’ can take the heat out of an argument, effectively stopping a argument in its tracks
- Arguments can cloud our judgement and our emotions, making us say things we may regret..
- Sometimes taking some ‘time out’ in different rooms or pausing the fight for half an hour can make you realise how silly the fight is.
- Writing down why you are upset or what is annoying you during your ‘time out’ will calm your rising emotions and deflate any anger you may have. It will also enable you to move past the trigger which instigated the argument and reflect on why you are upset at a deeper level, which you can then communicate to your partner reasonably.
Make sure that you don’t just take a ‘time out’ and then forget to discuss why the fight happened. Its important to sit down and reasonable discuss why both partners feel the fight happened and what you could positively work on for the future, to avoid the conflict rearing its ugly head in an never-ending pattern.
Also think about fighting in a healthy way:
- Breath and take a deep breath…before you say something you can’t take back.
Taking a deep breath can calm any anger, anxiety or stress you are feeling. It also gives you time to calm down emotionally because as we all know its all too easy to lash out in an argument and to say something rude, that you wish you could take back.
- Speak in terms of ‘I feel…’ instead of blaming, ‘You…’
When you begin with the blaming tactic of “You…” in any argument with your partner, you will instinctively ignite a defence response in them. Using phrases, such as “I feel…” lets your partner know you are avoiding blaming culture, but you are also using your voice and stepping into your power, by acknowledging that if something upsets you, you are justified in raising the concern.
- Listen.
Just listen. Listening is the most underappreciated skill in life. Sometimes your partner doesn’t want you to rush in and fix a problem or concern that’s upsetting you, sometimes they just want you to listen and support them.
- Try not to throw every little thing that annoys you into the argument or demean their character.
Sometimes its all too easy to throw every little pesky annoyance into an argument. We all do it. It may make you feel good temporarily, but it will upset your partner further.
Only focus on the issue in that moment.
Try to calm yourself down by taking a deep breath, if you feel like you are still incredibly angry. This will give you a chance to pause and consider what it is you need to say, instead of what you want to say to simply hurt your partner in the moment.
- Focus only on how ‘you feel and why you are upset.’
Sometimes we can become upset and not know why we are upset, and it can be far too easy to take it out on those we love the most, our partner.
If you find yourself snapping at your partner or starting an argument, sit down and reflect, why you might be doing this. Ninety percent of the time, we aren’t actually angry with our partner but angry at a situation, a person or have unresolved feeling of lack or loss.
- Think of how your partner may be feeling.
Always, (if you can and this can be hard during an argument), think about how your partner might be feeling. Have you blind sighted them by unleashing a month of annoyances? Have they started an argument because they are overwrought and stressed out at work?
What are the actual reasons why this fight is happening?
- Never resort to ultimatums.
Ultimatums are a negative power play that always results in one partner feeling cornered. They never have a positive outcome.
Organise a weekly walk or time to discuss issues that may crop up. Being able to tackle concerns and pre-empt any issues before it erupts in a fight can make your relationship much more positive and harmonious.
- Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive.
Always think of your behaviour and how you are acting towards your partner. You might be a shouter in an argument, but your partner’s argument style might be different. They might find shouting aggressive. Sit down with your partner and talk about your honestly and openly about your arguing styles (obviously when you are not fighting) and what you may need to work on together to promote a healthier fighting style.
Being able to say sorry is imperative for a long-lasting relationship and will make sure your relationship flows much more smoothly and shows you respect your partner.
Always remember its normal to fight in a relationship. Your relationship will in eventually go through its ups and downs. Challenging each other and fighting in a healthy way will strengthen your relationship. Also being able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about any issues in your relationship will also reinforce your bond.
The most important skill you can learn in any relationship is to learn to meet your partner half way in all issues or arguments. A relationship is like a tango, both partners work constantly together, to achieve a harmonious and loving bond. If one of you trips or falls in the tango, the other helps to pick them up.