‘A true relationship is two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other.’
Unknown
Cultivating a loving, lasting relationship takes time and effort!
Relationships like the seasons ebb and flow with time. Every relationship in your life will go through its ups and downs and often what you put into a relationship; you get out of it.
Romantic relationships are an area that have stumped people for millennia. As a species we are predisposed to wanting and finding our soulmate, our partner in crime, as we navigate life’s epic moments. Love is the ultimate goal in life. On our deathbeds, we won’t look to money, status, or life achievements for comfort, we will look to our other half and our family that lovingly surrounds us. Cultivating a loving, lasting relationship in today’s social media obsessed society (that promotes the ideology that the grass is always greener, that there is always someone better looking or more accomplished on social media) can be difficult, but perseverance is the key.
What is love?
Dr Helen Fisher at Rutger (Katherine Wu, Harvard, 2017) categorized love as lust, attraction, and attachment.
Lust is based predominantly on your brain’s initial chemical reaction, when you meet someone, you like. Evolution has instilled in us a need to sexually reproduce, and lust is the epitome of this desire for sexual gratification.
Attraction is interconnected with the chemical dopamine, which is released when we do something we enjoy or is pleasurably. Our brain releases dopamine as reward behaviour. Many people in the first few weeks or months of a relationship deem it the ‘honeymoon period.’
Lastly attachment is the most important factor in long-term relationships. Creating and maintaining a friendship during a romantic relationship means that your body releases more oxytocin, affectionately deemed the cuddle hormone. By underpinning your relationship with a friendship basis, it means your relationship will be much more loyal, open, and honest.
What should I look for in a relationship for it to be long-lasting?
I am a firm believer that your soulmate ticks most of your boxes, surprises you with a few boxes you would have never even considered and has some boxes that you must accept unless they are at odds with your own moral compass. In life no one is perfect. The most important thing to look for In a relationship is someone who respects you, someone who is loyal and you can trust, someone who makes you laugh and will still make you laugh in your nineties because we all know looks fade and someone who challenges you to be the best version of yourself and supports you as you go for your dreams.
Ralph Waldo Emerson theorised ‘love and you shall be loved.’ The Law of Attraction works on the basis that if you love yourself, you will attract love and if you focus on things you enjoy, even more positive, enjoyable experiences will be magnetised towards you.
Instead of focusing on a virtual checklist for what you want your perfect partner to have, for example, having the best job, money or looks etc, write a checklist of what you deserve in a relationship. The Universe will respond in kind to this by sending you a more positive, fulfilling relationship.
My husband and I were lucky enough to meet when we were young. After sixteen years together we have had our fair share of ups and downs. The one thing that has always set our relationship apart is that we actively work each day on making our relationship a priority.
You should both consistently work on bettering your relationship every day, even on those days when it’s hard! Remember any relationship takes two to work at it.
Below I have set out a definitive list of tips for cultivating a loving, long-lasting relationship that I have found make a positive difference in a relationship:
- Be grateful for your partner and appreciate them. Get into a daily cycle of looking at your partner through positive, loving eyes. Too often people focus on what they perceive to be their partner’s inadequacies. It will surprise you when you start noticing all the little, lovely traits they have or the kind, thoughtful things they do for you.
- Be respectful. Its important to always be respectful, even during any fights (which obviously can be hard). Don’t belittle your partner or say rude things to them or to others. Be respectful. Treat your partner as you would want to be treated. *Please also look to my article about ‘wise selfishness’ and creating healthy boundaries in relationships to create and maintain respect.
- Trust each other. Trust your partner and they should trust you. Issues will naturally arise in all relationships. Deal with it in a calm and open manner. If either you or your partner are having trust issues sit down and meditate or cognitively journal write to get to the root of the problem. If your partner has trust issues, which may stem from past relationships or trauma, be patient with them and reassure them.
- Be honest. One of the most important things in a relationship is honesty. Be honest about your feelings, what is going through your mind, and any worries or concerns you might have. Check in with yourself daily through meditation, journal writing or simply taking five minutes to see how both your body and mind feel.
- Be your partner’s best friend. Sometimes in a relationship it helps to sit down and look at any concerns or issues that come up as best friends rather than just as romantic partners. Always encourage your partner, support them and be there for them. As Ann Landers theorised, ‘Love is friendship that has caught on fire.’
- Listen to your partner. Just listen. Too often we are all so busy, we forget to simply stop and listen to our other half. Watch their body signals, check in with how they are feeling and ask them about their day. This simple ritual at the end of each day can make you both feel more connected and, in each other’s lives, especially when you both work in different fields and have very different days.
- Kiss lots and often. Statistically the one gesture that research has proven that keeps couples together and contributes to a loving, lasting relationship time and time again, is interestingly kissing not sex. Make time to kiss like it’s the first time each day. Enjoy just kissing each other in small moments throughout the day.
- Tell them I love you daily. Telling your partner ‘I love you’ daily is one of the most positive changes you can make in your relationship. You will find if you both start saying it daily, your relationship will feel much more positive and happy.
- Encourage and compliment your partner. Giving your partner compliments and encouraging them will boost their confidence and deepen your connection to each other. Positively reinforcing how amazing they are will create a open, happy dynamic in your relationship.
- Laugh together and yes, play together. One of the most important things to do with your partner is to banter, laugh and have fun. Every couple has different ideas of fun but as you get older and your schedule gets more hectic, plan fun activities or dates to do together.
- Listen during an argument. Even if you don’t agree allow your partner to voice their opinions – feelings are important and justified, no matter how much you disagree with them!
- Take time each week to discuss anything that might come up – Thursday relationship walks. Having a set time each week to discuss any issues that come up, any annoyances or concerns in a open, honest way is a must to ensure your relationship continues smoothly.
- Support your partner through the good, bad and the ugly. Every relationship has good and bad times. All relationships need to go through obstacles and challenges so your relationship can become stronger and you can really appreciate the good times. Life always has its ups and downs. All couple fight. Research has actually proved that to sustain a healthy relationship fighting ever now and again is healthy. The most important thing to remember is to be there for each other and be open, loving and honest through the bad times.
*If you and your other half are going through a particularly tough time seeking help from a couples therapist is a positive influence on any relationship.
- Give each other ‘me’ time and space to do your own thing each week. Its important to ensure both you and your partner have your own ‘me’ time and self care time. Giving each other space in a relationship is important, whether it is something simple like attending an evening class or book club or having nights out just you or your partner with friends.
- Go on weekly dates to reconnect. Organising a weekly romantic date is an excellent way to ensure as your relationship goes from honeymoon phase to a comfortable, loving, long-lasting relationship that you are keeping the romance alive. Taking turns to organise romantic dates for each other can also make it even more fun as you try to think up new, playful dates for each other.
- Do simple, small romantic gestures daily. Sometimes small, seemingly inconspicuous gestures can make all the difference in your relationship. Making your partner a cup of tea or having their pyjamas warming on the radiator when they get home from a long day may seem small and unimportant but these gestures make your partner feel valued and loved.
Relationships take a lot of give and take from both partners. These tips are simple strategies to create a more positive dynamic in your relationship and I hope will in a small way enhance and elevate your relationship. As Reese Witherspoon aptly said, “You always gain by giving love.”
References
Photograph by Jon Tyson at Unsplash