Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that you are!
Mandy Hale
Do you ever feel angry, resentful or disconnected from your family and friends? Do you ever feel unfulfilled, like you need something more?
We’ve all been there. Key moments in our lives when we realise that no matter what we do, we can’t make everyone happy, we can’t keep spreading ourselves too thin, beating to other people’s drumbeats, we need to focus on just being us. It’s a perfectly normal part of the process of being human. In books, movies and video games, it usually culminates in the main character giving an awkward speech saying something along the lines of “I’ve got to be me” or ‘finding’ themselves.
Interestingly, this feeling is actually a psychological term known as ‘differentiation‘ and no, I’m not talking about the differentiation that teachers use in the classroom to differentiate work for students. This differentiation focuses on your self and is a lot more transformative...
What is psychological differentiation?
Differentiation was first coined by Murray Bowen as a part of human development that separates us from others. It happens naturally at developmental stages in our lives, usually at 2 years of age, and then again during your teenage years but differentiation begins to happen again in your thirties and forties, as the need for greater meaning in life becomes prominent.
Differentiation is healthy when a person speaks their mind with conviction in a thoughtful, compassionate manner, even when they know others will disregard or disapprove.
Differentiation is unhealthy or lacking when a person doesn’t speak their mind for fear of upsetting others or being ridiculed or shamed by them. It is also unhealthy when someone uses it as an excuse to lash out at others, in an explosive manner.
Key characteristics of a person experiencing differentiation include:
- Feeling angry or resentful with a close person in your life
- Feeling tired of always giving in, relenting or accommodating that close person’s needs only while your needs are ignored in the relationship, for example, this is common and can happen with parents, siblings, partners and close friendships.
- Becoming more vocal and trying to have a voice in the relationship or situation.
- Feeling unfulfilled and wanting to make a change.
- Questioning your choices and/or past decisions.
What happens when differentiation arises?
Be patient with yourself
You may feel disconnected from your family and friends. It is also normal to have feelings of irritation and anger, especially as you become more aware of unbalanced and one-sided relationships in your life. Take it one day at a time and monitor your emotions. Use meditation and journaling to clear any anger.
Try our two minute negative thought cleanse:
Be clear and implement boundaries with others
It’s healthy to have boundaries and learn to say ‘no’ to your loved ones. When self differentiation arises in you, being clear in your boundaries of what you can and can’t do, will dispel any anger that an imbalanced relationship can produce.
Start small and begin saying ‘no’ to small things. Be honest with yourself about what you do out of a sense of duty and what you actually want to do. If you’re finding you spend most of your time appeasing others, it’s time to make small changes, for example, it’s ok to say no to the friend’s social event you’re dreading and it’s also healthy to limit the time you spend with people who drain you or saying no to even more work at work, when you’re already swamped.
Try this technique ‘saying no’ for a month:
On day one, say no to one thing, by day 7 say no to 2 or 3 things you can’t face or think will drain you. Build upon it each day. By Day 30, you should be saying no to anything that creates an imbalance in your mental health, your relationships or intrudes on your boundaries.
Find out what you need to feel fulfilled
Sometimes our anger during differentiation comes from not being clear in our own mind about what inspires us and fulfils us. We’ve all been there working in the job you settled for or spending time with ‘energy vampires’ who seem to drawn your energy, or being unhappy within a relationship.
So take some time out by yourself and think about to gain a clearer picture of what you personally need to feel fulfilled:
What are your hopes and dreams? What small changes can you make, each day, to work towards this?
What is important to you? What are your values?
What do you want to achieve in your life?
If you had to leave a legacy what would it be for you and you alone?
How can I self differentiate in a healthy way?
Self differentiation is the process of being able to identify your own thoughts and emotions, and freeing yourself from your family and/or friend’s limited perceptions of you. It allows you to recognise and have different feelings and values from your family and/or friends but it encourages you to be able to maintain emotional ties with them; by choosing to respond in a more positive manner in all your interactions to ensure you are valuing yourself and your self care. For example, if you grew up in a family were some members adopt a domineering approach, such as, it’s my way or the highway, it can be more difficult to learn to self differentiate.
Learning to self differentiate is incredibly freeing. It will eliminate a lot of your pent up anxiety and worry but it will also won’t be easy. As you learn to differentiate, others around you will rebel against it, wanting you to conform to the same dynamic, you’ve always had, in the imbalanced relationship(s) because it suits them. So if you want to self differentiate in any area of your life try these key strategies below.
Be honest and confront yourself.
Think about what way do you act? Who do you want to be? Do you pander to others out of fear or follow your own values?
Getting older doesn’t only bring increased wrinkles, it also brings an enhanced awareness and a need to know yourself. Spending time alone is the best way to learn to truly learn to like and understand yourself.
To truly know yourself, you have to accept all of your good and bad traits. Own them all!
Spend some time alone and ask yourself:
What are my good qualities? What are my bad qualities?
What do I need to forgive and heal in myself or with my interactions with others?
Why do I not like my shadow side? Is it really as bad as I perceive?
What’s the worst thing I’ve ever done? Can I forgive and accept what I did?
What do I do good and bad in my interactions with others?
How can I work on this and make my interactions more balanced and positive?
Don’t change who you are to accommodate other people
One of the biggest ways to differentiate in a healthy way is to not appease or change yourself to suit other people and their demands. This can be difficult to break in a relationship dynamic that has grown unhealthy over a number of years, for example, with a parent, sibling, partner or friend.
Try to use the ‘taking a stand’ technique to make small changes in an unhealthy relationship dynamic:
If you find yourself being dominated in a relationship try to talk to the person about how you feel. Be calm and state how you feel, without getting emotional.
*If the relationship continues to be imbalanced and they refuse to hear you, push back, in small ways, by saying no or becoming less available or positively starting to think about what you want, and actually doing it, for a change.
*Taking a stand needs to be done in a gentle, step by step manner. Dynamics in some relationships are there for a reason, as protection or a safety net for some people. Be kind if you are trying to change the dynamic in a relationship. Most of the time the other person is unaware of their behaviour so needs support rather than conflict.
If you are finding the dynamic is growing increasingly toxic, seeking additional support from a therapist can be helpful.
Speak your truth
Speaking your truth can be hard, especially when it goes against other people’s filtered belief systems. Self differentiation encourages you to be your authentic self. So giving yourself a voice and saying how you feel is an important part of the healing process.
Speaking your truth is again about being compassionate. If someone says something you disagree with, it’s healthy to voice how you feel in a non-aggressive, calm manner, to let it go and move on.
Start this ‘speak your truth’ technique to help you find your voice in a relationship:
If you disagree with something someone says, tell them in a quiet, calm voice.
If you feel something is unjust or wrong, tell the person why it upset you in you in the relationship, again in a quiet, calm voice.
If you are worried about conflict, be open and honest and practice with your soul tribe, telling them you are going to speak your truth more, before tackling the difficult relationship.
Check out our article on recognising and finding your soul tribe:
Try to be more assertive and have a voice in all areas of your life. You will find your relationships might go through a stage of upheaval but you will be more fulfilled long-term if you begin to speak your truth in a kind and thoughtful way.
Differentiation doesn’t have to be daunting when it emerges in your life. If you treat it as a learning experience, allowing you to step into your power, it can be liberating because it will be a chance for you to grow and become the best person you can be.