Grief is something that will affect all of us at some point in our lives. Grief is a muddled word that conjures up mixed feelings of love, loss, anger, confusion, betrayal, relief and release. Grief can hit us unexpectedly with a crippling blow or it can sneak up on us, little by little as we watch our loved ones slowly slip away.
I lost someone I loved dearly this week. I knew it was coming but it still doesn’t prepare you for the reality of them no longer being there. Spiritually I believe our loved ones never leave us but it is still an incredibly painful experience to realise you will never physically see them or talk to them again.
Grief can also come in many different forms, through a loved one dying, miscarriage, through a relationship breaking down, divorce, loss of a pet, loss of a dream or a way of life. Each loss and sense of grief can vary in its impact on you.
Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone.
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What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss. We are emotional beings. Our minds are continuously trying to process day-to-day events. When someone or something is suddenly taken away, our minds grapple and work through the overwhelming loss through the seven stages of grief.
Grief affects everyone differently.
What are the seven stages of grief?
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a world renowned Psychiatrist categorised the seven stages of grief in the 1960s. Adapted over the decades it acts as a simple guide to overcome grief. Everyone is different and some people will experience all seven stages whilst others will experience only some of the stages. It is also perfectly normal to experience the stages in a different order than what is set out below but the seven stages can help you identify and resonate with what emotions you are feeling as you deal with your grief.
Shock and denial
Shock and denial are unavoidable elements of grief. Even if you were aware that something was going to change or you thought you had mentally prepared yourself for losing someone, shock and denial will filter in. It is a natural defence mechanism our brains use to process the loss.
Pain and guilt
Feelings of pain and guilt are a normal step in grief. The ‘if only I had done this…’ mentality helps us to focus on something as our minds and bodies process the deep pain we are experiencing.
Anger and bargaining
Anger usually comes first in this stage of grief. Anger at the world, at the situation allows you a respite to let out your jumbled thoughts and feelings.
Bargaining is when you are ready to start looking at moving on. Be aware sometimes bargaining can take a long time to arrive but when it does and you start viewing things from a slightly more positive perspective, for example, if a relationship ends…if I can start thinking of looking for another relationship I will feel more focused, it shows you have processed and worked through the anger and pain to a degree that you can view the potential in life again.
Depression and loneliness; and reflection
Loss of any kind, evokes a torrent of jumbled emotions in all of us. It is perfectly normal to feel anxious, lonely or depressed.
Focusing on reflection and allowing yourself to normalise these feelings of anxiety and depression will help you to realise, I can get through this and to process and shift through the emotions.
If you are struggling to move past feelings of depression talking to a psychotherapist is always beneficial and help you to normalise what you are feeling.
Upward turn
Engaging or wanting to engage with family and friends again is a natural development in the grieving process. Be mindful that small things may trigger you, so being aware and being kind to yourself when you do relapse into any of the other stages of grief, will help you stay aligned with your feelings and to deal with the daily ups and downs of grief in a healthy way.
Reconstruction
Being aware that you cant change what happened and that your new normal is going to be very different is the reconstruction stage. Working on self-care and carrying out small acts of kindness for yourself will work wonders. You may even find old passions or hobbies will no longer interest you and you may turn to new endeavours or behaviours as you feel your way through your new life.
Acceptance and hope
Learning to accept what happened, to appreciate all the years that someone you loved was in your life and being hopeful for what may happen in your future is the final stage of grief. This is an important part of the grieving process. Allowing yourself to move on and to be happy again, is a healthy part of grieving. You will never forget your loved one but they would want you to focus on creating new, positive memories and a fulfilling life.
How do I cope with grief?
Accept how you feel no matter how raw, ugly or overwhelming.
Being able to allow yourself to feel every emotion is healthy. Never be afraid to feel negative. By embracing, recognizing and getting to the root of your negative emotions or triggers, you are allowing yourself to process your grief and move through it.
Talk to someone
Talking is one of the best therapies. It allows us to release the emotions our mind and bodies hold. Talking to a family member, friend or professional will encourage you to heal and process the feelings of loss.
Take each day, one day at a time
Be kind to yourself and don’t berate yourself if you have a bad day. If you find you are struggling, do something for you. It can be as simple as a bubble bath, lying in bed listening to music or meditating. Decide on what you want to change and work on achieving it the next day. If it is getting out of bed, get out of bed the next day and celebrate the win!
Be honest
Friends and family understand. Be honest with yourself, your friends and family about how you are really feeling. Its far healthier to reveal how to are feeling to a trusted, support network, rather than just keeping it bottled up inside.
Be kind and patient with yourself
Be patient. Grief and feelings of loss can be overwhelming. Relapses are inevitable and the more you are aware you may relapse, it more you will fortify yourself mentally to be prepared when you do.
Meditation and Yoga are excellent ways to mentally process emotions. Practice either of these daily and you will feel calmer, more centred and more able to deal with triggers when they arise.
What lessons can I learn from my grief?
Grief can alter us and shape who we choose to become in the future. As with everything in life, how we choose to react and respond to the difficulties and hardships that life throws at us becomes the base for our future self.
I have faced many different types of grief throughout my life. Grief has left me reeling in a black hole of nothingness, it has also spurred me to embrace and appreciate every single moment of life, and it has made me stronger and more resilient. It has also made me realise our loved ones are always with us, even if they are no longer around and that their passing, no matter how painful, can guide us and teach us key lessons.
Life is fleeting, enjoy it!
Life is short and sometimes we have a tendency to operate on autopilot. Stop and realise how lucky you are, every day. Appreciating your family, friends, or something as simple as curling up on the sofa, with a cup of tea, will change your perspective and show you your life in new eyes.
Make friends with people from all ages.
The best piece of advice my Nanny ever gave me was to be friends with people of all ages. Sometimes its the friendships that we underestimate that become the most pivotal relationships in our life. Being friends with people of all ages means you will learn and experience things you will never have imagined or dreamt of.
Appreciate the good and the bad times.
Appreciating is the key to happiness. Sometimes by starting small and appreciating the small acts that make your day good, for example, someone smiled at you on the subway or you were able to get out of bed that morning, begin in small blocks but keep building until you realise you have so much to be appreciative for.
Start each day afresh
We all have good days and we all have bad days. Starting each day afresh breaks any negative cycles you may be in. Always remember triggers are a normal part of us processing grief and pain. Its ok to have a bad moment, afternoon or day. Just pick yourself up and try again the next day. By starting each day afresh you are giving yourself the space to have a good moment were you talked to a friend, or a good, happy hour, playing with your children which will then develop into good afternoons, good days and good weeks.
Grief and loss is something we all have to deal with at different points in our lives. If you or someone you know is feeling overwhelmed or working through grief or loss, check out our Listening Support Service. Its free and confidential!
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